catching up and facing facts

I know it's been awhile since the last update and I'm terribly sorry about that. For the same reason I gave in my 2 Cents blog, well let's just say it applies here as well. The constant medical trouble has gotten me so I'm depressed more often than I care to be. Or at least, I was. ^_~

If some of you recall, I mentioned in the 2 Cents that I started using a cane in December 2010. It wasn't something that I wanted to do but it had become necessary to help me get around. By January or February, I had decided that it would be in my best interest to also invest in a wheel-chair. This isn't for day to day use, but for when we're travelling like we did later in Spring 2011. Oh, and for everyone's information, if the wheel chair says that it takes up to a certain weight and it should be able to handle your particular weight... don't bet on it handling your mass. Just sayin'. The chair I invested in was fine for a 300 pound person, however my 286 wasn't very comfortable in it. Then again, I'm only 5'5" and I digress....

By March, I'd decided that I was having enough difficulty that maybe trying the cortisone shot might be in my best interest. I was tired of having to take so many OTC pain killers and really have been afraid of jacking up my stomach (and liver and anything else for that matter). We decided to go get this shot a few days (week?) before my NYBro was due in, just on the off-chance that there were some side effects that I couldn't handle. Let's just say it was a damned good thing that I opted this course. First of all, that shot HURT LIKE HELL and I bled like you wouldn't believe. Second, by the time I got home an hour later, I was completely lame in my right leg. Thank goodness I'd opted for just the one knee to see if it would work. Normally, I get around fair to middlin in the house and can do without the cane while in the confines of my home. That night, I needed my cane and every other means of support to get around  (we're talking furniture, walls, spouse etc..) for 8 hours. However, when I got up the next morning, I was pain free. I could walk just fine with very minimal help. Very odd considering I was told that it would talk 2-3 days to maybe a week for it to kick in. The whole day was pain-free and the first half of the next day. Next thing I knew, my right knee started giving out again and by the time we got to that evening, it was as bad... if not worse... than before *sighs*.

By April, my lurch had become alot more pronounced. Not only did my right knee give out  but that whole side of my body would dip, thereby adding stress to my hip, thigh and the small of my back. It actually still does that. Walking has become extremely painful. My NYBro had had to leave from his vacation in March due to a family issue, so he came back in April. The three of us went and spent 4 days- 3 nights in DC. With the cane, I've noticed that many people are more patient and doors get opened for me. It seems, however, that the lower you are (in a chair vs being upright with a cane) makes a HUGE difference on how visible you are. Combined weight of me and that contraption is roughly 450-500 pounds and it doesn't exactly have the best braking system ya know? The lack of upper body strength didn't help matters either. Although, I did well on linoleum and marble floors.  I swear I was totally invisible to a good 95% of the people that I encountered during that time in DC. Definitely an eye opener as I certainly do NOT want to end up in one for the rest of my life. IF I do, I certainly will be investing in a much better chair, that's for sure. Couldn't complain though as it cost me only about $150 and it would have cost more than that to rent one for those 4 days. Now, if something happens and either one of us are in a tight spot, we've got the equipment to handle it. From this point and on for 6 months, I was actually riding in the truck with a temporary handicap placard.

Later on in 2011, I went in to the dr's again because I developed a really odd sore spot in my left calf. It was like a below the skin bruise. You know the ones I'm talking about, they hurt to the touch but never appear on the skin until they are nearly healed and turn that freaky shade of green and yellow. *UGH*! I'd had a problem with one of the leg rests on the wheel chair and it jammed in the upright position and we had no real place to store that leg support at the time (besides, if I did, one of the posts in the seat of the chair would dig into the back of my left thigh) so we left it on the chair. I think one of the posts dug in a bit during the day and created this problem. The spot was sore for a good long time. I was hoping that it would just go away (like most sore spots do), but it persisted and then I developed a tingle in the leg. Since my dad has a neuropathy in his legs and since his aunt lost both her legs to diabetes, I figured  a trip to the doctor  was in order. What it got me put on pain killers and muscle relaxers as well as an order to go to the physical therapist.

It also got me a "this is the last resort" speech and a suggestion of bariatric surgery to get the weight off. *UGH* I got talking to another nutritionist and showing her what I had been doing and the progress I had been making. She told me what the surgery would entail and said I'd need to be cleared by a therapist before they could even consider this step. I then asked her the one question that I knew the answer to and the look on her face told me that this step wasn't going to be right. You see, with the knees doing what they were, a depression had set in. On top of that idjut got out of prison and ... well... I developed an eating disorder. Stress will do one of two things to me. If there's no food around (like in the first marriage), I lose weight like you wouldn't believe. However, if food is available.... Yeah, I think you got it. I was so stressed that I was getting up every 15 minutes or so and shoveling the food right on in. Half the time I didn't realize I was doing it until I had half of whatever it was I was eating consumed. By then it was the "I may as well finish it now..." It was rough, I'm telling you. The minute I admitted that to her and myself  AND I was able to put a finger on WHY it was happening, I looked at her and said... "that surgery aint gonna do me a lick of good until I fix the problems up in my head, is it?" She told me no and suggested that it might be a good idea to follow up with the  therapist in the clinic. I did, however, manage to go to one of the nutrition meetings later in the week and acknowledge my problem to my husband and a room full of strangers.... so I have made the tiniest of half steps. I haven't followed up with the therapist yet though. I know, I really should... but I can't seem to make myself take that next step yet. Yeah yeah yeah. I know.

After 4 weeks at the PT, we discovered that I was a bit more limber than I had been. When I first went in, I couldn't even straighten my legs completely out. I still do my PT exercises mostly daily. We're on the night shift now and so doing my exercises is a touch and go because I prefer to be alone in the bed when I do them. Last thing I wanna do is disturb hubby while he's sleeping and since our normal patterns are off right now (mine by about 5-6 hours, his by 12).  I really wish that the insurance would have covered more than just 4 weeks, but it was a start. Several weeks afterwards, I noticed that although I stayed more limber than I had been, there still wasn't much improvement in the strength of the legs.

By the end of September, my placard was expiring so I had to go to the dr again. Around this time, my usual dr had been relocated to the hospital and I was assigned a new one. I was really happy because I'd been getting the feeling that I needed a second set of eyes on my health. Drs generally take one look at a heavy patient and next thing you know, there's blinkers on their eyes and the only thing they see is the weight. I know I have to lose it, and I know I can. I just need the knees to cooperate! Once they start behaving as they should, I just know I can get some of this back off again. The new dr is nice but all I got was an order for another x-ray, an MRI, a refill on my meds and ordered to follow up with the orthopedic and an acupuncturist (I'd already had a visit with the Alternative Medicine Dept somewhere up there ^^^ I just can't remember when.... so I knew what I was in for with her). ~sigh~

The X-Ray found a bit more damage in the knees and now there's definite signs of arthritis  in there. The MRI confirmed it. My follow up at the orthopedic ended up being a second opinion kind of appointment because the insurance company loves sending me to the best and most popular doctors in the whole area. I should be flattered, I know but damned if it isn't difficult to get an appointment when you need one. The new orthopedic confirmed what the dr has said regarding my scans. She also suggested another cortisone shot. Her answer when I said it didn't work last time? "It may have been a bad batch." Wouldn't that be my luck. I opted for no because I knew I was headed to the acupuncturist in the next month. I was also turned down for another placard because she'd rather have me walking. As much as I don't blame her, and agree I need to walk, but isn't this just going to damage the knees farther? So hubby's being really good and at least parking as close as he can and if it's not an option, he drops me at the door and parks farther back (he needs to walk too, but this blog aint about him) so I have a distance to walk when we leave the store. I can't tell you how damned tired I am after the weekly shopping trip. Oh, and before it's suggested as it was suggested a few years before, I'm going to say what I said that time... using the power carts that are provided for the handicapped defeats the purpose entirely. It IS awfully unnerving , however, when some sweet old lady (who obviously needs it ALOT more than me) pulls over and offers the cart to me as they're headed out to the parking lot from their shopping.  Yeah, I look THAT bad walking. Have I mentioned that after a dozen steps or more my right leg tends to drag now? I didn't? Oh. Yeah just another complication to fight there. The more tired the leg gets, the more it likes to drag and wiggle behind me. I'm actually getting scuff marks on the TOPS of my sneakers. Also, I asked after a brace for the knee to at least stabilize it and was told that she doubted that the clinics covered one that would even fit me. Fantastic.

In December, I had my first appointment at the Alt Medicine clinic. My next appointments won't be until February and March because ... yup, you guessed it! She's the the best and most popular acupuncturist there is in the area. She had a vacation coming the week after I was in and is double and triple booked all through the month of January. Anyhow, after an hour of having my knee porcupined, wouldn't you know... it actually felt good! I could put weight on it and walking was a good deal easier. I told hubby that even if it gave me only 4 days to a week (considering that my appointments will be once a week come February) it will get me from appointment to appointment. Each treatment is supposed to be better. So yeah, it is showing some promise. We'll see once I can get in weekly to have this done. We're hoping that if we can get the knee to stop giving out that having to treat the hip as well won't be necessary. Keeping my fingers crossed there.

In the mean time, at the top of this year I've stepped back from one of my games in FB and as time goes by, I'm not as stressed about dingletwit being on the loose. So that eating problem? Well it's not as prevalent as it was. Also considering that my eating schedule has changed up a bit and I'm asleep during the hours that had been the worst times of the problem, I don't seem to be having as much trouble there either. I may had to start napping in the afternoon or find something else besides computer work to do during those hours when we go back to days again. Now to get back onto a better eating program and convince myself to get back onto the bike more often. The right knee tends to snap back and forth during the ride lately (like it was before I went to the PT) and that WILL cause more damage, so I need to figure out how to get it to not do that anymore. Otherwise, I'm happier than I've been in a while. I'm learning to carve out time for just being me, which is helping matters a bit. I've got projects in the works here to help divert my attention to other matters and I think I'll be checking out the On Demand channels to see if there something else that might be helpful.